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on story basis or you will randomly select one comment. If a comment makes a place in this contest...count me in.
http://dadofdivas.blogspot.com/2009/08/being-pa...
dunno... just my view on a wee bit of mens stuff...
Cheers
http://agsmom.blogspot.com/
When I was 18, I became a step-parent to two little boys, ages 3 and 4. Initially they didn't live with us ... that happened a few years later. By the time they moved in, they had lived a pretty tough life ... too tough for sweet little kids. I didn't have kids of my own and, wanting to be a good parent, I read everything I could about how to raise children. None of the recommended "good parent" methods seemed to work for these troubled children ... they were unhappy and I was unhappy. So I tossed out the books and started really listening to them ... taking the time to really hear what was in their hearts. They were scared and angry and they didn't understand anything that happened to them in their short little lives. Finding that out helped me to help them. It wasn't an easy road ... there was a lot of hurt to overcome. But understanding their confusion and pain was the beginning of healing.
Having these two little boys taught me patience and also taught me that when people are hurt inside they typically let it out in brash ways. So things like anger might only be a reflection of fear and/or pain that sits in one's heart. That's a powerful realization. Now, when I encounter someone who is angry, I think that perhaps they are frightened or in emotional pain ... it changes the way I interact with them.
Thanks for hosting a giveaway!
I believe the choices I have made have helped my children grow into respectable young men. And it has also helped me grow into a respectable role model to my children. I try to lead by example and that has made us all better people. And for that, we are truly "Better Together".
I've become a better EVERYTHING because of those kids. I became more confident in front of a crowd, more assured in my teaching abilities, more understanding of the problems facing poor--and all--teens in today's world, and more demanding of myself and those around me. I now understand that our society too often handicaps students like mine, expecting them to fail, drop out, become pregnant, or graduate and go on to do nothing of any worth. I have seen, however, how a vast love of history and social studies can lead to an application to college and success outside of this small community. I have seen how a lack of money, a lack of parenting, and a lack of goodwill can't hold an intelligent student back--no matter the circumstances.
While I am no longer a teacher, I will always be an educator. Come May 2011, I will be a certified school counselor that likely will return to a school very similar in circumstance and mission to the one I left behind.
Having children has been the most stressful, painful, embarrassing, exhausting, gut wrenching, frustrating, fearful and draining experience of my life. So, I did it 4 times! In 5 years!
Undoubtedly I am a better person for this experience and my children have made me that better person. They have inspired in me the strength of an ox and the patience of a saint. The selflessness of Florence Nightingale, the courage of Joan of Ark and occasionally a rather shrill tone of voice that would make a fishwife proud.
On reflection the whole parenting lark has changed my outlook on life and my attitude towards others. I switched career paths from commercially driven business to working for a charity, the experience of which has opened my eyes and my heart to to others.
I wasn't a 'cold' person before children, but more the sort who thought that some of lifes inequalities didn't apply to me. In opening up myself to my children I discovered there was room for others in there too. Who would have known this when I first crawled into the maternity ward on hands and knees on a snowy evening in February? I have only just realised there was no chapter on personal development in my copy of 'What to Expect When You Are Expecting'. Odd that.
Better together.......better together? Well, I suppose I have improved in terms of character (gotta be some compensation for the somewhat tragic affect on my body) and of course we are 'together'. The crux of the matter is that in having children I am a better person which makes me a better parent which in turn benefits the children. Evolution in action!
As any new parents, we were extremely excited and nervous at the same time about the challenges and joys our son would provide for us. Early on like most children he slept a lot. Our first disappointment as parents came about three weeks after Mike's birth. While my wife hoped to breastfeed him, it just wasn't meant to be. He was not getting the amount of milk he needed so we resorted to bottle feeding. Overall he was a very happy baby, usually content and when he wasn't a bottle would usually be just what he needed.
As the holiday season approached we were looking forward to spending our first Christmas with our son. Just after Thanksgiving though we started noticing he would "projectile vomit" about an hour after his bottle. We visited the doctor and they felt it might be acid reflux. After several weeks though it became clear the medicine wasn't working. The doctor changed his medicine and scheduled more tests for him after Christmas. Christmas turned out to be a hard time for us, because we realized he wasn't getting any better. He had one of his worst episodes on Christmas Night at my Sister's.
Several days later we took him for tests and found out he needed an upper General Intestinal test to rule out Pyloric Stenosis. Unfortunately, the test did not rule it out but made it clear he had the condition. We had to go to a “specialized” Children's Hospital, and ended up spending New Year's weekend there as he recovered from the surgery. In the end though he went home a healthy baby and we were assured the condition would not return. They were correct, he started to develop as any healthy, happy baby would and we enjoyed every moment with him.
Through ages three to six months he progressed slowly and was slightly behind in crawling and rolling, but otherwise was a perfectly happy baby boy. At his six month appointment our doctor gave us some more bad news though. His head was off the charts as far as size related to his peers and they needed him to be tested for hydrocephalus (water on the brain), the test at six months proved inconclusive so they asked us to have another at nine months. We agreed and watched him progress more as he started to do things children his age do such as smiling, playing, and learning to roll.
At nine months they were afraid the test might be showing a patch of fluid on his brain, so off to the hospital we went. With our luck with hospitals we went in fearing the worst and being prepared to deal with it after researching the condition. We ended up leaving the hospital after a quick appointment though with very good news, the neurologist said that there was no hydrocephaly and our son just had a big head and would grow into it!
That was a huge fear lifted from us and once again we started to enjoy everything our son did. He became more playful and started to even try to imitate sounds at times. The only thing was he wasn't showing many signs of being able to crawl or walk. Our paediatrician told us about the "Infants and Toddlers Program" in our city which provided free physical therapy visits for children that were 25% behind in development. We took him for a consultation and they decided he should start an eight appointment plan. During that plan we saw him progress rather quickly; it wasn't long before he was mobile.
He was crawling all over the place just in time for his first birthday in April. We had all our family there to celebrate with him. It had been a hard year, but he had passed all his challenges. Everyone was ready to celebrate. He had his little chocolate cake cupcake which of course he made a mess with, laughing and looking at all his guests. After his birthday his physical therapy appointments continued and he continued to progress. We were ready for our second holiday season with our son. This time there would be no repetitive visits to the paediatrician’s office and to hospitals. Our son got to enjoy his second holiday season as did we.
The holidays were great, he went with us to the malls and restaurants while we shopped, being pushed in his stroller enjoying all the holiday sights and sounds and the whole experience. Just before Christmas he started practicing with climbing stairs as he crawled, and even started taking his first few steps. Christmas this year was much more relaxed and he played with his cousins and visited other relatives with no signs of the problems he had the previous year.
After the Christmas season though we got our biggest gift. Our son started to walk slowly but surely on his own. Recently he has even done his version of running as only a little toddler can do. He enjoys playing games with his mom and dad. He has started to try to make friends with our cat (though the cat wants nothing to do with him). He is growing and progressing every day teaching himself and us as his parents something new every day. It is hard looking at him now remember all the challenges we had in the first year of his life. He shows no signs of the surgery or the fears of further developmental issues we had with him at one time. He still has a big head, but hey it makes him unique!
This is my story and entry to the Better Together contest. It is also meant to help parents of newborns and expectant parents realize that there will be challenges with raising their child. There will be joys and fears during the first year of life for your child. One thing to remember though is that in the end it will only make your child and yourself stronger. These days doctors have seen all the challenges a baby will have their first year of life and a large majority of them are easily treated. As parents you will worry, it's only natural. Just don't let the worrying cause you to miss the enjoyment your child brings you. Enjoy the first year of your child's life, it's something that will challenge you and make you very happy at the same time. We would never give back the time we have spent with our son Michael for all the money in the world, and look forward to spending much more time with him as he continues to develop and excel. I can honestly say I am a better person because of him, no task be it from home or work is impossible.
Good luck every one!
I hope there are ways that interacting with people of all ages and relationships can make me a better person, because I'll never be a parent.
Men could use such resources for building positive relationship skills.
Having children forces people not only to go inward but to make the changes that are necessary to find your calling or purpose. Parenting is all about being "better together" rather than better alone.
***P.S. My children are still young but because I don't have any schools nearby, I homeschool! So I am my kid's teacher and have to work on computers with them all the time. :) I hope that counts.***
http://amazingsix.blogspot.com
revoirs@yahoo.com
Having children made me think more about others. I didn't truly grow up till I had kids. My first two were "instants". They came into my life already talking and boy did I have to learn fast. I made lots of mistakes but learned that the most important thing was to be involved. Then I had surprise child to round out the family. He actually made me a better parent as he was/is the calmest/sanest of us all. I talked a good story but one day when he was only about 4, he turned to me when I was particularly frazzled and said, "Mom, is your glass half empty or is your glass half full?" I realized that I actually needed to start living some of the stuff I had been teaching him. Now I have one grandson and a granddaughter on the way. My grandson is the only person in the world who actually asks me to sing my silly songs to him. He loves me as I am and I love him will all my heart. I am so lucky to have had my children and now a second helping with grandchildren. I didn't actually decide to have kids but it was the best thing that ever happened to me and they truly are like my heart outside of my body. We may argue and bicker but I love them more than I can ever say.
My husband will be deploying again next year, and I would love to win this so that he could take the laptop with him and we could stay in touch much easier. Many missed phone calls and different timezones get very frustrating and sad and this would be so wonderful. I'm much older now, but the deployments don't get any easier. Thank you for the chance to win.
It's not only he who grows.We do too. As much as we watch to see what our child do with his life, he is watching us to see what we do with ours.With the time,I do realied the beauty of havaing child many years apart lies in the fact that, we parents have time to learn the mistakes that we are made with the older ones,which permits us to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones. We have the photos of his first outgoing to a school,that day I told my wife at night that,Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.Then we understand that,what are we missing out from.My parents are not with us anymore, but I felt sad that I leaved them and from my house to fullfill my dreams. Yes, now I know what is the feelings have parents for their children. Before marriage ,may be I was a successful man in life, after marriage I became a good husbend & a better person too, but after having a baby,I think now I called myself a perfect man with a complete family.So the guys who fear becoming fathers,you don't understand that fathering is not something better men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.
Being a father,now i do understand how it feels if you don’t have either of your parents with you.My heart cries to those kids who are orphans & don’t have a mother or father to look after them.I now have involved myself with an orphanage named Arushi ( http://arushi-india.org/ ) .Nothing is better than putting a smile on those faces who are helpless,have no family of their own.I felt their story deserves to be posted.Now if we all can make a child smile as they should.I would pray to God please do not take that smile away from them because they can barely smile like that.Please...Thus i think, i became a better person after having my own baby.Thanks for understanding.
[ sushrukh@yahoo.co.in ]
But when I became a father, things started to change and I had to face tantrums.My parents were amused to find me in this spot of trouble that I gave them for years.I then understood the importance of listening to others. It is only when all of us came together, that many seemingly impossible problems could be solved. This lesson served me well at the work place.
Every year, there are elections for various student bodies.Last year, i.e. in 2008, I was asked to oversee the conduct of the elections. There were two senior colleagues who were also in the team.
The elections involve interference from political parties and the situation is genuinely charged.A slight provocation is sufficient to snowball a minor issue into a controversy.
Last year, the elections had to be postponed on account of floods in many parts of my state, Orissa.The students were getting impatient and so was the case with those in charge of the conduct of the elections.I was looking forward to enjoy the short period of vacations after the elections.But, the elections were to be held after the vacations.
As the election schedule kicked in, tempers started fraying.The situation did not help me and I was not averse to go into the exchange of verbal volleys with the students as well as my colleagues.I wanted to put my signature on everything.
However, the wisdom of the senior most colleague of my team saved the day and spared me from trouble and embarrassment.A veteran of many years, he showed tremendous cool and tact. Of course, when the situation warranted some show of toughness, he supported me.
The rest of my colleagues also were happy to take orders from me without any hesitation and in the end, the elections were from controversy. There was also a recounting that was carried out in the most cordial way.
After the elections were over, the students started to behave like the same obedient ones.My colleagues with whom I had some differences of opinion also never brought up the uncomfortable questions again.
I realised then and I understand fully well the importance of team work and togetherness.One becomes better by listening and talking to others. For me, all this started at home and then at the place of work.
Growing up I thought I was smarter than the other kids; but any cleverness I may have been endowed with was counterbalanced by being the youngest, poorest and smallest in my class. Up until senior high-school, I felt so insecure that I depended on my parents to make most decisions for me. They were, after all, strong and determined people. Moving out for college and spending years as a full-time volunteer in different community endeavors renewed my confidence in myself, but it wasn't until my daughter gasped for the first time that I became aware of how high the waves were that she was rocking in my life.
The thing about having a child is that you no longer care for just yourself or some other adult who could make it on her own if she wanted to. You suddenly have to make sure there is *always* food, water, shelter, transportation, medical services, education, and protection. Problems can no longer be insurmountable; they must always be solved! Almost as if by magic, I found I was looking at others eye to eye instead of up at them, and that I was better at negotiating rental contracts and finding more meaningful alternatives for our utilities plans.I could talk more clearly to bureaucrats and get through paperwork faster, simply because I knew I was no longer a child, but a father.
If you want to keep your family together, the added stress of having a child forces you to find new ways to solve differences of opinions. The weight of parenthood is tremendous, but the rewards for not folding in are comparable. For me, one side-effect relevant to the topic of your blog post was that whereas my wife and I used to keep quiet about the small things that we didn't like about each other, we now vent them out and let them go. The reason is that if we keep them in, they blow up at three in the morning after five hours of our child crying, when there is little self-control left.
When I work in time-sensitive projects that I know will become stressful, I make sure all and any differences of opinion between my colleagues and I are ironed out before things get out of hand.
There are many other things I have learned from being a dad, but this should be enough for today.
Cheers,
AG.
Several years ago, my daughter, who now lives on the opposite side of the continent from me, was diagnosed with a rare disease called aplastic anemia. For those unfamiliar with the disease, aplastic anaemia is a condition where bone marrow does not produce sufficient new cells to replenish blood cells.
Due to her suppressed immune system, the risk of infection and disease, and the weakness and fatigue caused by this, she often must undergo many months isolated from the happenings of the world. This is not an easy thing for anyone, but it is especially not easy for a teenage girl, who has no desire other than that of being able to live a normal "teenage" life.
Having access to a decent computer would be a marvelous boon to the long and often tenous process of treatments and healing, for it would be a means of maintaining and building a connection with the world around her, and thus foster a sense of "togetherness".
With the marvel of the computer and the internet, too, comes the opportunity for her to continue her education from home. She is a talented student, and with the aid of an up-to-date computer and the co-operation of the school system, she would be able to continue her schooling virtually if needed. Currently her computer is an ailing machine of pentium 3 vintage.
It is my hope that some day soon I will be able to provide her with that computer which will enable her to carry on with her education and to connect with the world around her, and to especially, maintain the connection with her father, who, for those undesired, yet unable-to-alter reasons, cannot be a bigger part of her life. Despite the hardships of it all, we are lucky, because, in this age, there is, after all, the marvel of the internet, chat, email-- and the blessings of hope and science that can help raise the spirits and health of an ailing girl while helping her and her father connect "better together".
My wife and I had completed a parenting course which had this message at its core: Being a parent is about connecting heart to heart with your kids, not about making sure they are obedient. That was a challenge for me. As a Dad, I placed high value on obedience and respect, but it was at the expense of my relationship with my kids.
My six year old daughter has been the best thermometer on how I am doing with this. When I am more concerned about obedience and compliance, she wants very little to do with me: She waits in bed for Mom to wake her on Saturdays, even though I am up first and check in on her. But when I am working on the relationship, she is sweet and cuddly and wants to spend time with me.
Of course, working on the relationship doesn't mean letting the inmates run the asylum. I still have boundaries and still set limits, but I give her room to breathe, room to be *her* in those limits.
And it is with my 9 year old son that I have been realizing that we truly are better together. When I am working on staying connected with him in the midst of his screw ups and he is seeking me out for advice and help to succeed, we both are better men. I am learning to be present with him, to not treat him as a producer or resource, but see him as a person. And he is learning to solve his own problems, seek out wise council, face whatever consequences come from his own actions.
Plus, he REALLY wants a netbook ;)
I did learn patience but I learned to become flexible. Life changed constantly. When my children were 3 and 6 I became chronically ill. I had to be flexible and what was important for me was that my children had a love for reading. Maybe I couldn't be a baseball mom or football mom but I could read to my children and hopefully instill a love for learning.
My children both loved school and my son is still in school today as he is going to college. Together again, I like that because together we read and reading is what helped them all through school from first grade to college.
I have applied being flexible in my life as I deal with battling MS. I take life as it comes at me and I hope that my children will see it and apply that to their lives. We aren't promised a tomorrow so today do all that you can to make life a good place to be not only for yourself but for others.
I mentored and entered four teams in, and one of them took first place in the dance category!
It was a harrowing time on the day, with tears, frustration and tantrums... And that was just the parents!
I learnt that when the chips were down and the kids were competing, if you show confidence in them and help them to keep prospective they can overcome the most challenging situations... Such as rebuilding the robot 30 minutes before the competition starts.
I was proud of these kids, they showed great determinations and strength of character.
On to the nationals now on the 5th of September.
Now I give more room to the children I mentor, setting them a task and showing them I have confidence in their ability to handle it. They know they can ask for help, but they also know I have confidence in their ability to find a solution by themselves.... I also no longer feel I have to find answer for them, it's now more about helping them learn ways to find answers for themselves.
Scott
My own journey is similar to yours in many ways. I’m a father of two kids (aged 12 and 9 this year – seems like only yesterday they were babies!) The years since they came along have been filled with many kinds of experiences – some funny, some poignant, some painful, others truly profound. They are too many to list here – suffice to say, they have made my life and my wife’s richer.
One thing I do want to say, though, is this: having kids made me understand my own father a whole lot more. I am now more aware of the experiences he must have gone through – and a whole lot more appreciative of him. Some of his traits or behaviors that I used to think were unreasonable when young have now become entirely understandable and acceptable. Indeed, despite the benefit of my better education and wider exposure to the world, I sometimes find that I am less of a father than he is.
Lastly, I just want to encourage you to keep on doing what you started out on. And do try to enjoy every moment of it – looking back, the months and years with my children have passed all too quickly! God bless.
ck me out too at www.icoulduseadeal.blogspot.com
jtrophy at gmail dot com
I think the solution is to have one PC, each one. But for that I must win the HP, because I have no money to buy one.
The solution should be quick, because my other son is 5 years old and will soon need another.
The other solution would be for me to go to live alone, but I will miss them too much.
lmurley2000@yahoo.com
My entry can be found here.
http://www.buckdaddyblog.com/2009/08/10-things-...
Great contest
These skills have been helpful while dealing with my husband. Two years ago he was diagnosed with mental health problems and this has effects all our family. Through my skills learnt from having my children I am able to cope with this situation. I can understand through listening what my husband is going through and read betwen the lines when he says he is fine. Some days are differcult and patience is definately required! But thanks to my children and what I have learnt from them, we get through and are happy!
Those memories are really something. The first time when I stepped into the house, I was cordially invited by a child. I noticed that the child was having only four front teeth. All the while I cooked he sat in the kitchen and he used to stretch his palm for sweets.
In the afternoons when I tried to steal a nap, the boy would be busy making small packets out of newspapers. I was curious and asked the reason. He replied that those packets were for the toothpowder. He reminded me of his four teeth. The boy did not want waste any toothpowder. Even now, after more than four decades, I still laugh at the memory of this incident. The little boy I mention is my father-in-law. As a diabetic he was not allowed to have sweets but since I was not aware of the complication, I obliged with his requests. Later on, I realised my folly and became strict.
In the course of time, I gave to birth to four children-three boys and a girl, in that order. I was all alone in bringing up them since my in-laws had passed away long ago and my husband was busy with his work. Of course, my husband lent me a helping hand when I started to work as a teacher.
While taking care of my children, I was reminded of the advice and tips given by my mother-in-law. I put them into practice for the good of my children.
I love my children and even now do everything to make them happy. My love and commitment to my children influenced my interactions with the students in the school. Having to put up with the needs and demands of four children at home, I had little difficulty in understanding the psychology of the students. My daughter always wanted to hear stories before going to bed and she was pretty demanding in this respect.
In the mornings I had to face pupils in the classroom who were in no way different from my own children. I tried to be a good teacher and whenever the opportunity arose, I told stories to the students. As I was entrusted with the Library, I procured story books for the children.
I tried to motivate the students just as my own children were encouraged. I always made attempts to inculcate in the students the need for hardwork and discipline. I am proud of my traditions and culture and they too found a place at home and also at the school.
My happiness knows no bounds when I hear about the success achieved by some former pupil of mine. The same feeling envelopes me when my children speak of their success. As a mother and a teacher, this happiness is the greatest reward that cannot be equated with any riches.
‘A better together’ idea starts at home. One learns enough virtues to become a good person from his/her mother. I learnt virtues like tolerance, adjustment, friendliness and to serve others living with me. I carried the same virtues to the school and the results were good.
Now when I have retired from the job, all my children are employed and live in different places in India and also sometimes go abroad. They love each other and give love and respect to their parents. My students........same is the case with them. At times when they come across me, my eyes are filled and the throat is choked with happiness at their success. This takes me to the past and the years I spent as a teacher in the school.
Home is the place where the idea of ‘a better together’ starts to take shape and extends to a great beyond.
At 65,I simply hope that my children and pupils would do the same and make the world around them a better place.
Before having kids my life was empty and I didn’t realize it. Now it’s full of new choices, quick decisions, acting like I know what I am doing. (Then I go look it up to see if I did the right thing). When my husband and I feel confused or not sure of how to solve a problem like getting the kids to pick up toys, eating food or hitting, we sit down together and figure out how to solve it. Teamwork is the key to solving problems. Helping my children to know they are good people and learning unconditional love from each other has made our family “Better Together.”
I have actually been better at speaking in front of groups of people, something I have always been afraid of. This is because I have an audience to practice on, my two kids. Their development has also given me confidence to quietly tell my own mother when I don’t think she is right about something with my kids. I would have never done that before raising my kids. I have always been a shy person but now that I have grown with my great family we are definitely better together and my character is much better. I feel like I can do anything now!
I simple became a lot happier, and that´s THE POINT, right !? ( so we can make the others happy too as we should)).
Love you kids!!
I always wanted to be a mother,even as a young girl growing up in Boston in the 60’s. Children were fascinating to me, how they grew, their developing minds, they way they see the world. I went on to attend a private teaching college,graduated after seeking a double major, elementary education K-8, and also trained as a Child Life specialist. A Child Life specialist is a professional who works in pediatric medical settings, helping children of all ages deal cognitively with the stress of medical treatment. The job market for Child Life workers in Boston was saturated when I graduated in 1983, so with my teaching certificate I instead went on to teach kinder-
garten in the children’s center for Massachusetts state employees. Little did I know that my training as a Child Life specialist would later prove vital to me as a parent.
At the time, I may not have ever heard the word serendipity, but it began working its magic in my life just the same. I met my soul mate in a nightclub. I went there that evening to hear a band that I loved, not to find someone to love, but I did. We married 3 years later. We wanted to have children, but decided to wait a bit. Life had other ideas, and we welcomed our daughter Meredith a year and a half later. She is one of the greatest joys of our lives.
We longed for another child. When we felt we could afford to have another , we tried for a year without success. We began testing for secondary infertility, and before any treatment began, I finally became pregnant on my own.
The pregnancy was very easy, a breeze in fact, which was in great contrast to my first pregnancy. I worked full time as a medical assistant; I interviewed for a Child Life position at a local medical center, and funding for that job had been cut by the time I interviewed. I was offered a position as a medical assistant, and I worked there for 12 years. I worked right up until the Friday of my last planned week of work, went home, went into labor that evening and our son Connor was born the following morning. I could not have planned it any better if I had tried.
Then the ceiling fell in. I was almost giddy as I returned to my room after my shower.that following Sunday. I felt terrific, and I was elated that I had been able to have a completely natural birth. Then I saw the pediatrician in my room, and as he stood there telling me that Connor had a heart murmur and would need to be transferred to Mass General right away, I felt the floor underneath my feet seem to shift as if the earth was swallowing up me and my fairy tale life.
Connor was diagnosed with severe heart abnormalities that would require multiple surgeries over time, and underwent his first surgery when he was three days old. We were fortunate that he was full term and weighed nearly nine pounds, so that he was very stable and could withstand the surgery. I remember trying to sleep that night in the pitch blackness across two office chairs in some social worker’s office, since the family lounge was full that night, waiting for word on how our baby was doing, and I remember praying for him not to be made to suffer. It was the hardest thing I have ever prayed for, and it was also the easiest thing, because I wanted him to have a good and happy life.
That was 1993. Flash forward to June 2009, to Connor’s fifth open heart procedure. He is 16 years old now, six feet tall, ready to get his driver’s license. We almost lost him this time, not because of the 8 hour surgery, though that caused a pressure or bed sore on his lower back, and he is still healing it now at the end of August 2009. Post-op he had a very rough time in intensive care, and 10 days after the surgery he suffered a major GI bleed. They tell us that an ulcer developed from all the stress, but that he should not have future stomach problems. We are also told that these last heart repairs should last him for 10 to 15 years.
Even now, even though this summer was not at all what we imagined it might be, I am still grateful for where it has led us. It’s been a hard earned serendipitous journey, but charmed in its own way. Connor and I have always been close, and this whole episode has only made us closer. He will have to have a home tutor for the first few weeks of his junior year, because of this still healing wound, but he will return to school soon enough, and I will miss him when he does. It was a privilege as a mother to watch him these past weeks, to see him start to grow, right before my eyes, into a man of courage, grace, and determination.. He is simply the bravest person I know, and while I am so sorry that he has this extra burden to bear, he has shown that he is up to this challenge, and he was able to find out, for himself, what he is really made of. We already knew.
Where for example someone (okay you got me.... it was me!) spilling coffee on my paperwork or clothes could really spoil my whole day, it just doesn't seem to be such a big deal anymore.
Great contest! Well, I am sure there are plenty of other deserving folks out there, but for me and how having children has changed my life I can point to any number of reasons. Sure you can say that having kids make you more civicly minded. I have volunteered now more than I ever have in the past. I run a chess club at my daughters elementary school, I am on the board of two rec programs, I coach multiple sports and volunteer time at school.
Sure you can say that having kids makes you selfless. I measure purchases based on how many kids toys that would equate to or how many piano lessons that would be. I have worn tattered clothes and driven heaps for so long and I don't even care because they only symbolize how much we love our kids and how insignificant material items are once kids enter the picture.
Kids have made me funnier, stronger and almost indestructable according to my kids that is. I am now a super man. It's great to looked up to but with that comes a lot of responsibility. This responsibility has forced me to examine myself as I have never done in the past. Am I being too arrogant? Am I being too stubborn? What type of example am I setting by drinking milk right out of the carton?
Most of all though, being a stay-at-home dad to three daughters has made me a better person because I get to see the world through the eyes of the opposite sex. I see what my girls are learning from society--what society expects them to be. I see how my wife is treated in a male dominated industry and find myself sympathizing and seeing things from a completely different angle.
Being a dad has made me more aware of the world around me, more empathetic and more caring. In short, having kids is like having my heart walk outside my body three times over. You know what's really strange? It's getting harder and harder remembering what it was like before kids.
Best of luck with the contest! ~ Joe
I think if you dont evolve rasing a child, then you're only dreaming about having kids, so wake up, it catches anyone offguard eventually. Situations arrive that you can't handle without it tripping your swaggering stride. Before I was never held hostage to do anything, never resonsible, always doing what I wanted to do. having a child flips a switch, an everything upside down switch.
From the first day, making the drive home like I was carrying a bomb ready to go off and every car was way too close us, our little package has taught me responsibility, our little package had taught me unconditional, and unexpected, love.
It was a hot night and everyone was eating barbeque, Lacey was 4 years old and she was sitting on the lawn eating, as we all ate everyone was having a great time talking and laughing. She lay on her side then she didnt get up, she started shaking, she was in a fit choking on a piece of sausage, and it was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced as a parent. The thought of losing a little one, she started to go limp she was almost blue and we couldnt get her to release out what was in her throat. Eventually after what felt like a lifetime she threw up enough to dislodge the culprit. She was seen by paramedics and taken to hospital for a night of monitoring. I couldnt sleep instead just stared at her all night, watching her breathe and thinking about life and events of past.
What I took away from that day was an appreciation of life, Lacey's, my wifes, my own and our future. We have more kids now and they are all great, they continue to exceed our expectations as human beings. We have had many bumps, bruises, cuts, scapes, you name it, but none quite so traumatic and thought provoking as that first event. Maybe we were more cautious because of it. Its made me change the way I live, I wake everyday happy to be a part of something, a family, I love my family and appreciate them for surviving and helping me to survive life. Parenting is never guaranteed we are lucky to still have her and looking back now its amazing how far a child can go. Survival is the only way forward and some are not as lucky. It also gave me an appreciation for my own life and my historic events good or bad. She is on her first year of university and we are all very proud we played a part in helping her achieve her goals, though we know she is the one who survived to get there.
I then did the same things that countless other parents do for their children, and I learned that making sure he was well dressed and well groomed made me happier than if I had bought new clothes or had regular haircuts for myself. I didn’t have the same peer pressure that he had in school, and it didn’t matter to me how long I wore my clothes or if they were stylish. I let my hair grow long to save a bit more money although people constantly commented how great I look with short hair. I would never have thought that a haircut was a luxury item.
I made the biggest effort around his birthdays and Christmas. I always over-decorated and searched to find the smallest turkey in town, a “turkey for two”. The worst year was when I scrounged for ninety extra dollars to buy him a snowskate, a “big” present to go with the candy and oranges in his Christmas stocking. He said he was so happy with his gift but I wondered if it was my sensitive boy trying to make me feel better as his friends were receiving the latest Playstations and X-boxes.
We sometimes look at those photos taken over the years, some, of those long-ago exotic vacations and the pictures of him sitting in front of the Christmas trees, taken on each of the fifteen Christmas mornings that we have spent in this house. Many of the photos are of him and his friends hamming it up while we were camping in tents or fishing, oblivious to the fact that I scrambled for gas money and prayed our old car wouldn’t break down on the way.
I have always told him since he was a little boy that finishing high school meant that he was about two thirds of his way through completing his education so he always knew he was going to college and university. He did appear puzzled when other kids he knew either didn’t graduate or said they were finished with education after high school. Last year, after his high-school graduation, he said he didn’t know if we could afford college, which was the equivalent of driving a stake through my heart. He may have got that silly idea because I couldn’t afford to buy him a graduation present and while I did attend the cap and gown, I didn’t have the money to buy a ticket for myself to attend the dinner. I did make sure that he had a suit and a ticket for himself and a date. I drove them but dropped them off on the street just in case the clunker croaked while his friends were getting out of their limos. I didn’t tell him I couldn’t afford a ticket, I said that I wouldn’t be comfortable there and he knows I can’t dance anyways. Although this September will be stressful and tight, like last September, we will do it with the help of grants and bursaries.
I am more patient with the people that are counting change as they are buying their groceries or holding up the line to put back the items that they can’t afford. I look differently at the people that wander the streets and I am thankful that we still have a place to live. I am still generous with others although what I give is on a lesser scale.
Over these past years, I have learned that even as I scramble to pay the mortgage payment and the overdue bills, life goes on and we will survive and our house will continue to be one of laughter and fun. I have learned that my son does not speak to his friends about the lack of money during the Christmas season; instead he tells his friends that everyday when he comes home from school “there is a different smell in the house from my mom baking” and he brings his friends home with pride to feast on cookies and other treats. I learned from his friends that the times they went fishing or camping in tents with my son and I were the only times they had ever done that, even the boys that have two successful parents with nice recreational vehicles but no time. The Christmas I bought my son the snowskate, it turned out that he spent every waking moment playing in the snow and his friends ended up getting them too, so my son became an accidental trendsetter. A few years ago at Christmas, my son bought me a computer with money he had earned and needless to say, I was overwhelmed. He could have used the money for other things, including a computer for himself but he was doing what I had done for him. Through these tough times, my son’s sense of humour has returned, there is an added depth to his character, and academically he has flourished, and I know that in spite of all the tough times, he will be okay and that’s all I ever wanted.
Motivational Force
Shortly after my baby boy left, I began to think about my future. Working in the restaurant paid very little. However, there weren't much jobs outside of Chinese community for someone with limited English. My wife hardly knew any English at all, so she had no choice but to confine herself to the slave labor that is restaurant. On the other hand, I had other options. I had some college under my belt. I dropped out because of my family's dire financial condition, especially not possible after my dad's back pain started to manifest. To give my child a better future, to allow him soar as high as possible, I needed to get a better-paying job. I needed to go back to school to get an accounting degree. And my wife was very supportive of my decision. I was able to find a night shift at one restaurant. So during the day, I would go to a community college and at night, work. I knew that getting through was going to be a daunting task, but the rewards would be lifelong. During the three years of working and going to school full-time, I had no more than six hours of sleep everyday, excluding Sunday which I had the day off to catch up some sleep and piling schoolwork. To help me staying awake and alert, I had to drink one kind of ridiculously bitter tea that made my face scowl every time I drank it ( Drinking coffee gives me weird sensation). Every morning, I literally had to drag myself up and sometimes with my wife's help. I don't know how many times did I think about quitting. What kept me going was my baby boy. He was the greatest motivational force I could ever had at that time. Even to this day, he is still the source of my motivation. Due to the current poor economy, my restaurant has floundered a bit. To help keeping the restaurant afloat and paying for my kid's college education, I have to take on a second job. In a typically week, I work a little bit over 100 hours. I am not complaining. well just a little bit. My kid has made me into a strong-willed person, who can take on whatever life throws at me.
Fast forward five years, I had solidified my position at a fair-sized accounting firm in Manhattan, and my wife, through years of hard work and countless hours at learning English, had become a restaurant manager. This time, everything REALLY was in place to welcome our boy to America. Fortunately, all those expensive international phone calls and stacks of photos on the day of reunion as he readily jumped into our arms and proceeded to call us, papa and mama, until our ears turned sore. Back home, my relatives had always told me how much my kid resembled me, that he was a mirror of me in many different way. Typically, when a parent hears this, he or she would take pride in that and grin from ear to ear. To me, that's not the case. Being a mirror of me was actually a bad thing because I had at that time so many character flaws that were ill-fitted to our current society. Those would put him at a huge disadvantage compared to other kids. My life at that time was a living proof. Fearing the worst, I knew I needed to find one way or another to nurture him into a better man. And in the process preparing him for the future, I have come to a better understanding of my personal shortcomings and learnt to straighten them out as well.
Joy Oh Joy
As many parents have mentioned before, having kids really brings great joy to their life, sometimes sprouting flowers in a once desolate garden that had long forgotten what flowers look like. That's the magic my boy brings to me. Growing up, I was more sad than glad most of the time due to my family's dismal financial conditions. How can you be happy when you, at the age of ten, have to get up at six o' clock in the morning not to go to school but to work in the field; when you are constantly hungry because the rice pudding you eat has more water than rice; when you can only jealously watch other people playing their toys because your family is too darn poor to spend on those things: when you have to walk on scorching roads bare-footed because you have to save the only pair of shoes you have for winter; when the only time you ever get one new piece of clothes is on New Year's day. Even when I came to America at the age of 13, my life wasn't so much better off. At school, I often got teased and bullied because I didn't speak English. In a sick twist of event, when my baby boy was born, he cried much more frequently than other babies at this age. Later to ensure that he will be glad more than sad, we would do anything to elicit laughters from him, that includes tickle him in the stomach and feet as often as possible, watch comedies, telling jokes, doing fun activities together, etc. Laughter is indeed contagious. In the process of making him laugh more, he had provided me with lots of happy moments that slowly set the happy tone for my future. As he grew older, he would often bring home jokes that made me laugh really hard that my stomach hurt. Of course, people around me have noticed that I have become a happier person, much easy going than before. My perspectives on life have also changed. I no longer see a cup as half empty but rather half full.
Shyness
I have to admit that growing up, I was a very shy person. I heard from my parents that most of my relatives were the same growing up, with some obvious exception. As time passed, some of them stayed the same, some improved a little bit, and some made a 360 degree turn-about. I was in that second group. Sadly to say, my boy also inherited that trait. He's very reluctant, or shall I say scared, at meeting new people. Oftentimes, I would take my boy with me on errands. And along the way, if I saw any of my friends and relatives, I would stop and talk to them for a while. Of course, I would try to introduce my boy. Apparently, he wanted no piece of that. He would actually hide behind my legs and cover up his face with my pants. Then he would tug my pants to signal that it's time to go. Occassionally, he would tug too hard and pull down one side of my pants. I knew I had to do something to help my kid shed that barrier wall in order to live a more full-filling life. However since I was a shy person to begin with, that task proved to be a bit challenging. Fortunately, I managed to enlist a smart outgoing girl to help me out. In the meantime, I would bury myself in self-helping guide, and watch videos to analyze the behaviors of outgoing individuals. Of course, I had to test whatever tricks I learned on myself to see if they work or not. In fact, I was learning WITH him. During that time, I had to do a lot of things that I could never do if it were not for the motivational force that was my little boy. Of course, he had to do them too. Needless to say, it was a very slow process. We didn't make a 360 degree turnabout, but what we accomplished was good enough for both of us that we no longer felt uneasy talking with strangers. Well, just a little bit. As a result of this training, I became more proactive, rather than reactive when it comes to making acquaintances.
Communication Arts
Typically, communication skills go hand in hand with shyness. People who are shy, more often than not, are not really good at communicating with others. They might be a decent writer or reader, however speaking, not so much. Because they talk less, they miss out the practice of making them fluent speakers. And because they are not fluent speaker, they talk even less. A vicious cycle is thus born. That really hit the nail on my head. I could only sputter a string of short sentence together. Ask me to tell a story, I would stutter after few sentences and then things would become confusing.So I avoided telling stories like a plague. This lack of communication skills, in retrospect, had caused me to miss out on lots of opportunities whether it be making new friends, advancing my career in early part of my life. Obviously, I didn't want that same thing to happen to my son. Same with overcoming shyness, I needed to better myself first then I can pass down the knowledge to him. To articulate my speech, I would tune to a random English show and repeat whatever they said. And throughout the years, one activity we did often was debate about controversials and current events. We would literally talk till our face turned red (which happened very quickly in the beginning), and our mouth became dry in order to push our communicating boundaries. All these efforts really paid off for both of us. At the beginning of my job at the accounting firm, I worked in the back office, doing all the drudging work that nobody wanted to do. As I became a better communicator, I managed to persuade my boss to let me work in the front office, such as meeting new clients, contact lawyers about tax codes, etc. As later when I opened my own restaurant, I found those communtication skills quite useful at negotiating contracts with landlords and suppliers, and maintaining good relationship with customers.
Patience
The one thing that is central to all these father-son activities is patience. I thought I was a fairly patient guy until my son showed me the limit of my endurance. The initial stages of all the activities I mentioned above were really difficult to implement. It took an awful lot of time in the beginning just to get my son to smile and say his name when meeting someone new. Because of his young age, he didn't really understand the importance of those activities. So his progress was very slow. Later I found out through the hard way the the harder I pushed him, the more defiant or reluctant he became. Eventually, I learnt to more much more accommodating through altering my mind set, such as putting myself in my boy's shoes, allowing extra time to do certain things, meditating, etc. Quite frankly, I should thank my son for testing the limit of my patience as he grew up. Without him, I would still be that guy who naively thinks he's a patient person. As such, my friends and relatives have been quite amazed of my patience that they nicknamed me as a monk. At the restaurant that I currently work(not the one I own, a night shift job to complement the little money we get from our restaurant), we just hired a new guy couple days ago. Of course as a rule, the old guys were supposed to show him the rope. However the problem is he does things very awkwardly and is very slow to catch on. I am the only one teaching him right now; everybody else has already given up.
I could continue to detail all the things that I have learnt, such as being a better team player by working together with my wife to raise my kid, and changes I have made, such as in the process of helping my kid lose weight, I have become a healthier person and being in much better shape than when I was young. If I were to chronicle all those, my entry will be much too long. So, I will just stop here and take the moment to reflect the whole experience.
Thanks to my son, I have become a much better person through the journey that we embarked long time ago. He has made more impacts, at least made me realize the needs to change myself, than I could ever imagined prior to being a dad. In the process of helping my boy climb the ladder of childhood, learn attitudes and skills to overcome the challenges he found each step of the way,I have discovered much about myself and I have strive to be all I can be.
Count me in!
Just wrote my entry. Gave a link back and emailed you as well.
Here it is: http://www.collegebc.com/relationships/better-t...
Best wishes!